A true lesson in humility...

August 14, 2010

Hi everyone,

I was released from the hospital (round 3) last Sunday. For the first 3 days, I felt like Captain Chemo as it wasn’t even affecting me. Pride is until the end of time wrong and sets just before very large storms and tribulations. It seems from the 4rth-6th day, I was hit harder and harder with extreme nausea unlike anything that I had felt from the prior 2 rounds. The doctors and nurses gave me all the medication to try and manage it to get some food down. The only thing that worked was the love and consistency of my family telling me that I “had to” eat so my pigheaded mentality wouldn’t win. I know the chemo is working, but, I guess I really didn’t anticipate the impact of it all on my 42 year old body. I know it seems ridiculous and it is, believe me. I am even embarrassed to affirm it now. They are poisoning and killing parts of me, yet, “hey, Rick Lange is a tough guy and those normal effects are just for everyone else”. WOW. My mind is truly a hazardous place. However, The Lord is always faithful and allows me to see my weakness and my need for him. He is my Lord and savior as he continues to save me from myself and my thinking.

After being released, I was able to come home and there is such freedom is that. It is truly liberating no matter how your body is feeling. My stomach still remained very unsettled and food was a abomination to my thought process; but, each day I got a little better (baby steps). On Wednesday, I was able to go and have lunch at CPK with Dana and Kyra and even go to Old Navy and Vans. What a blessing. You may ask “why”. The Lord opened my eyes to see the greatest blessings in the smallest details and experiences. Just being out with them amidst a busy world and enjoying the sunlight and their happiness filled me with Joy. It still warms my heart as I think about it now.

A day before, Dana noticed that my pulse rate was running pretty high. I usually need to take my blood pressure twice a day and have one of those machines from CVS or Costco. I guess the normal is 60-95 and mine was running between 115-123. She called the doctor, I went and gave more blood, he ordered an EKG and another type of blood test (BNP) and indications were it could be some issues from the chemo and the natural affects on the heart. Understandable.

Here is Friday (yesterday). Let me preface this with I had expectations of what my day was going to look like so I had things to do..Yeah right..Humility 101. I received authorization for the EKG and I was to just walk in and they could do it so I went to St Josephs at 10:30. Then, I had an 11:30 with my oncologist, Dr. Mahmood, back home by 2. Here’s what happened: I finished with the EKG at 11 (right on time) and went to DR Mahmood’s office and grabbed a sandwich at the café below to wait for Dana. Checked into his office at 11:35 and was put into a patient room to see him around 12. When we finally saw him it was 1:30 and I was told from the normal blood test they run every time that my hemoglobin level were low and I would need two blood transfusions. Now, I am bummed and really kind of irritated. Poor Dana just had to sit there and be with Captain Grumpy and Impatient now. Dr Mahmood finally comes in and says everything is working as planned, my blood levels are low and I need to go receive two blood transfusions today. Oh, btw Doc, how long will that take? I thought maybe 2-3 hours. He tells me 6-8 hours. I just about lost it. Dana and I drove to St Joseph’s and checked into outpatient at 2:15. Now, I have morphed in “King Resentment”. Bottom line, I was finally released at 11:15 last night. I tell you all this in detail because I truly know the Lord was with me as I still do not understand how I did not have a meltdown and lose it. I felt his presence, and yet, I felt the enemy telling me “he was going to break me”. It still seems surreal as last night I honestly have blind spots in my memory. I should have been on my knees in prayer a lot more and I wasn’t; yet, he never forsook me despite my willingness to do so at the smallest opportunity.

All your prayers blanketed me last night from self destruction. I know this now. Thank you for your persistent prayer on my behalf. I do not know how anyone lives their life without a true relationship with the Lord. I am humbled, I am grateful and I am Home. My prayer today is that The Lord will touch and anoint each of you with his love, his peace and his compassion today to enjoy what he has given you and I. As he continues to clear and cut away the darkness of my life and replace it with his light, I just want to praise him for carrying me through the times that are so painful to see the true victory he has claimed and our behalf.

May The Lord rest and abide in each one of you today,

Godsoldr